Momento Amemini

“Someone said that God gave us memories so that we might have roses in December.”
– J.M. Barrie

Depression sweeps in like a blizzard. The snow swirls, the chill freezes the mind, and the ice makes a heart, once on fire, grow cold till the body stiffens with hypothermia.

What brings on these battling blizzards? Changes in weather. Sometimes we see them coming, and other times they hit without warning. Whiteout conditions blind our eyes and sting our lungs. The path before us is covered in white; visibility nonexistent. We cry out for help, but the cold and ice burn our lungs and silence our cries. We shelter inside our car, attempting to create warmth, praying the storm will pass.

Each storm depression brings, we always hear advice: pray, it is all in your head, listen to Scripture, Christians do not struggle with depression – are you sure you’re saved? The advice doesn’t feel like deliverance, but instead like snow and ice flung at us. So we do anything to warm ourselves up hoping we do not freeze to death.

Yet, in all the ice and snow, God does provide something to warm us up in the blizzard of depression.

The Unseen Simple Command

Many times when the thoughts of depression become a battle, we first think of what we can do. We look through Scripture finding any task we may have missed or sin we have forgotten to confess. Yet, this only brings the chills straight to our bones.

240 times God tells us to remember – to call to complete memory. Psalm 42 paints a soul in desperate need of water and encouragement. Most people jump to “hope in God.” Yet, that is not how it works. We cannot just hope in something. He must first remember God in order to spark the fire of hope inside him (Psalm 42:6). The Psalms are lit up by the word “remember.” We see what happens when people do not remember God’s deeds and the hope and joy remembrance brings.

Remembrance is the flint on which hope is sparked.

Depression’s Deception

In the midst of depression, it can be almost impossible to remember. Our tumultuous thoughts whisper things we would rather keep unsaid – “You are only a burden.” “Where is everyone?” “No one is communicating back, what does that say about you?” “I bet everyone only tolerates you and not really loves you.” “Those memories are not what they seem.”

Depression’s degradations feel like whip lashes digging deeper and deeper into our flesh. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but… A cute phrase to say, yet we would gladly cut our own skin with sticks and stones than be pummeled by the words of depression.

The worst thing depression says to us, “You can’t even remember God. How pathetic is that?” The deepest attack goes against the simplest command.

God doesn’t shame us for our lack of remembrance. This is clear in Scripture. There is no shame for not remembering his work. Instead, he gives us another miracle, another experience, another memory to hold onto.

Look in Matthew 15:32-39. We read the story of the feeding of the 4,000. Curious there is the feeding of the 5,000 and the 4,000. Why? The stories appear to be identical. Switch your view and follow the disciples. Jesus requests of them the same thing in both stories (Matthew 14:16; Matthew 15:32) – feed the people. The disciples have the exact same response in both stories, “Where are we going to get enough food?!” I imagine Jesus just smirks and leads them through the same miracle. He doesn’t reprimand them or scolds them. Instead, he shows them the same miracle.

We have the same issue. We forget the work of God in our life. We give into depression’s deception. Depression wipes the memory clean or buries our memories deep in snow. Yet, God is patient with us. He knows how desperately we need to remember so he performs the miracle again. It may be seeing something to remind us of a friend, a sermon, a song, a piece of art, or anything that brings a memory, face, or truth back in mind.

Forgetting is God’s way of saying, “Want to see me do it again?” And he will.

Rose Seeds

However, roses cannot grow in our toughest seasons without being planted. God’s can’t remove the snow in order to show us what is underneath if there is nothing there. We must plant rose seeds in order to have roses in winter.

These seeds can be pictures, an item to remember an event or person, or whatever plants that seed in your mind to remember. This is the start of remembering.

Throughout the Old Testament, the Israelites were told to set up memorials. These memorials were to cause stories to be told of God’s workings in their lives. The most famous story of these memorials is the crossing of the Jordan River into the Promise Land (Joshua 4:6-7). The stones plucked from the river were to spark stories and recall memories. These became the roses during their winters.

We need to plant seeds. We need to enchant ourselves with the magic of remembrance. I wear a ring with elephants on it to remind me of a group of men who have never let go. During my toughest times, they have surrounded me until I was strengthened to stand again. A wall in our home features the pictures of individuals who mean a lot to us (even if we do not see them as much as we want). I have a tattoo which says, “Burn the Ships.” I got it on the one-year anniversary after my suicide attempt to remind me how far God has brought me. These are not to guilt trip me or cause shame. Instead, they gently whisper, “Remember, you are loved.”

We have forgotten the art of making memorials. The seeds need to be planted. It may be simple as a stuffed animal bearing the name of a close friend. Whatever it may be, the seeds must be planted in order to remember.

Seeds cause the roses to be planted. God uses those seeds to show us the roses during our winters.

Warmth During Depression

Depression may seem like an unending blizzard, but we do not have to freeze to death. We yearn for something to spark the fire of hope deep in our souls. Yet, we forget the rose seeds we have planted. Depression causes us to look at those seeds with sorrow wanting to turn back time. Yet, God shows us to bask in the memory. Bask in the warmth of the love he showed us through the individuals or in the events he brought us through.

Seasons of blizzards come and go. The length may seem to last more than we would like. No matter the length of the storm, we can feel warmth during depression. It comes from the sparks off the flint of remembrance. Keep these memories close. Continually create memories to plant. It is then in our winters God reveals the beautiful roses.

Depression chills us to the bone feeling that we will only die. It howls in the wind, “Remember, you will die.”

However, God shows us the roses and gently whispers…

Momento Amemini

Remember, you are loved

Disenchanted to Enchanted

“Life is a conundrum of esoterica.”
Lemony Snicket
(A Series of Unfortunate Events)

Bookstores are like a little oasis to me. There is always something to discover, always something to learn, and always something to plunge me into the depths of a topic. If you look at my library, you will see novels of various genres, books on historical events, secret societies, symbolism, religious art, film and narratives, zombies, vampires, art history and movements, conspiracy theories, Christian living, linguistics, theology, tattoos, and other various topics. When I was in grad school, a friend saw various book titles in my room and asked, “What exactly are you studying?”

Yet, there are some days I look at my shelves and shrug my shoulders. Who cares? I can even walk through a bookstore and nothing grabs my attention. Nothing enchants my soul.

Yet, this shows a deeper disenchantment. I have become disenchanted with God. Therefore, my soul is on life-support. It is supported with academics and books rather than the fire of spirit breathing life and causing bones to come to life.

I am not the only patient. Many of us have made our faith about morality and a political side. It is about right labels, right authors we follow, and we find ourselves on life support.

How did this happen? How do we get back that fire?

The Life Choked Out

“He had his life choked out of him.”

Choking. Not a pretty thing to think about. In fact, it is scary if you’ve ever choked. You can’t breathe. You slowly feel the disconnection from the world as the air is slowly depleted from your lungs.

The Bible talks about people being choked, and actually uses that word. Jesus tells a story in Matthew 13:3-9 – the parable of the sewer. One of the groups of seed find a home among thorns. As the plants grow, they are choked out by the thorns (Matthew 13:7). Jesus explains these seeds are crowded out with everything in life, and no fruit is produced or harvested (Matthew 13:22).

When someone’s airway becomes crowded or blocked, the life is choked out. This happens to many of us. Sure, we can talk about “the worries of the world” crowding out the Spirit. But, what if Jesus means more than that? He is talking to a Jewish audience. Their world is tied to the law, to the religious leaders, and to God.

What if religion can be a powerful weed which can choke us? In Mark 1:21-28, Jesus casts out a demon when the demon speaks out while Jesus is teaching. It wasn’t the building which caused the demon to reveal itself. It was the teaching of Jesus. Something about what Jesus was saying began to break the power of this demon. We can become so focused on fulfilling religious standards and images that we choke out the life Jesus has given us.

Think about it.

We are concerned how we are perceived by other Christians, concerned about our looks, making sure we act right, and vote right. Where is Jesus in that? Did he die on the cross for us only to live a moral life and vote “like he would”? No! He died to give a us a new life.

When we allow things to choke out the life Jesus has given us, we are disenchanted. And, we are dying.

Disenchanted Diagnosed

Choking can cause us to die. But, why disenchantment?

Disenchantment is being unimpressed by something or someone. No longer wowed. No longer awed in a way which changes our lives.

Most of us have become like the religious leaders of the New Testament. We study our theology books and box God with neat labels and the verses to match. We see people who are not like us, and we immediately either dismiss them or debate them.

What this attitude has done is caused us to see God only in the pages of a textbook in order to be dissected.

Can we be comfortable with the paradoxes of Scripture? Can we be ok with saying, “I do not know”?

When Moses saw the burning bush, his curiosity was peaked and he was enchanted. Abraham was enchanted by God many times. Joshua, Elijah, Daniel, and even the disciples were enchanted by God. They did not see something God did or said and immediately tried to dissect it. They wondered at it.

What is the first thing we do when we hear a testimony, listen to a sermon, see someone respond to God, or watch people worship? Do we immediately look for how it is “wrong”? Or do we look for the Spirit of God moving and wonder at his work?

Disenchantment dissects and wants a debate. Enchantment explores and enters into an encounter with God.

The Enchanted and Curious Christian

A close friend and spiritual father to me brought to my attention the idea of being curious. Being curious is not being skeptical.

In Romans 1:19-20, Paul (writing to Christians) states God’s power can be seen in our world. How many times have we dismissed this in order to not be “off the deep end” in our thinking? The whole creation praises God and shows us God. Each person is made in the image of God, yet how many times have we dismissed a person instead of seeing the masterpiece God has brought onto our path?

The enchanted and curious Christian yearns to see God in life. What happened to Moses at the burning bush? Watch Here

So often we get stuck in a textbook and caught up in labels that we miss God working in our lives and in the world around us.

Are we enchanted with God moving in the lives of others? Are we willing to encounter God in nature or the image of God found in another person? Can we encounter the heart of God in a piece of art, a piece of literature, or a meal?

My friend is right. Being curious breaks the spell of disenchantment, breathes life into us, and we become guided by the Spirit.

If Jesus came to give us a new life, why do we only find it in our theology books, Sunday school classes, and Christian labels? Have we become disenchanted so much with religion that we have forgotten that Jesus gave us a new life to live, to breathe, and to encounter him each moment?

Curiosity and enchantment become the fertilizer in which the Spirit can produce fruit in us and a bountiful harvest can be shared with others.

Out Of Legalism Into Life

“Freedom is what you do with what’s been done to you.” – Jean-Paul Sartre

Today, I was baptized…

Some of you may ask, “Weren’t you baptized before? And at other times?”

There is always a story, and I would like to share my story leading to this momentous moment in my life.

Loyalty to Lists

Growing up, being a Christian meant to follow the rules and follow a certain image. Christians did certain things, didn’t do other things, and looked and were perceived in a certain way. In college, at Bob Jones University, this mentality was branded onto my soul. My life revolved around looking right, making sure I did not get into trouble, and keeping the correct list.

My loyalty was to a list. When I repented, I repented from bad behavior and turned to good Christian behavior. Sure, salvation was taught as from grace, but the Christian life was walking by a certain code of conduct drafted by people using verses to justify what things I should wear to church, what music I should listen to, what movies I consume, and how I should be perceived by the world around me.

My loyalty was doubted many times, because I did not prove how dedicated I was to the list. I was a slave to sin, but only traded that slavery for a slavery of self-sufficiency. God was not pleased unless I followed these rules. His blessings were held or given based on my loyalty. It was like living in a rewards program. I saw so many people rewarded, so I worked harder and harder to prove my loyalty.

Yet, how many counseling sessions and Bible classes at Bob Jones University, accountability partners, and church services could I make a spiritual decision and still fall short of the loyalty club? I could never measure up. How much did I spend on books to help me? Probably, hundreds (if not thousands) of dollars.

Jesus did not want me since I could not perfectly keep his rules. Looks right, talk correctly, be perceived in a good light became my overwhelming thoughts. The hammering headache became too much. March 2020, I decided to silence it for good.

I wasn’t living in loyalty to Christ. I was living in loyalty to a list. Which, in reality, I was living in legalism.

The Deceived Delivered

May 2020, I left Bob Jones University. I walked away. It was not healthy for my mental or spiritual health. In fact, it was like drinking poison hoping the next dose would cure me.

The months that followed I spent figuring myself out and figuring out God. It wasn’t until I met some unusual people (who are now the closest friends I’ve ever had) that something happened. Bible reading was far from my mind. I struggled with it since all I saw was rules, images, and a burden which almost killed me (literally).

May 2021 came, and I opened to Galatians. My heart started pounding. This book wasn’t about work-based salvation, but about work-based sanctification! Galatians 2:21 sucker-punched me: “I do not treat the grace of God as meaningless. For if keeping the law could make us right with God, then there was no need for Christ to die.” I John smashed through walls revealing to me God’s true commands were only to believe on Jesus and to love one another (I John 3:23-24).

I couldn’t put the Bible down. I saw it everywhere: God loves me, he fulfilled the law, the new covenant is not about my perfection, but his! I had been beating myself up for decades over not being good enough. I said the “Sinner’s Prayer” so many times, but Christian living was a burden I wasn’t ready for. Why wasn’t I? Because I was deceived. Men taught me to follow rules. My savior was ultimately how closely I conformed to the fundamentalist, Bob Jones University image. Jesus was only there at salvation, and after I had to do the rest.

This was a burden never meant for me. Those men were just like the pharisees loading people down with burdens of man-made traditions (Luke 11:46). They removed the key to eternal life and joy (Jesus). Instead, I was forced to jump through hoops hoping to find a smiling God at the end of the obstacle course (Luke 11:52).

My eyes were opened. I was sitting at Barnes and Noble that day crying. In my journal, I wrote:

“Heavenly Father, I have been deceived about you, your gift of salvation, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, and me. I believed I wasn’t good enough. I had to prove myself. All my years I tried to feel your love when it was already there. I believed you hated me and cursed me because I couldn’t reach the next spiritual level. I believed, but I believed a lie. I lived out this lie and it affected and infected everything. It became about me proving myself to you and others to hopefully be blessed. That is the lie I lived. I lived a false gospel. Jesus was just a means to an end; not a relationship of freedom to live. I repent of this lie in my heart and mind. I turn from it, and not to a way of rules and right living, but to Jesus. You love me and want me, so you sent Jesus to free me to be who you you created me to be – not a slave, but a son. A slave is only loved by his performance, but a son is loved unconditionally. So God, heal my mind from these lies. Forgive me for living contrary to your gospel and give me a heart to follow Jesus’ love and grace. I believe and confess this is what is true. No more proofs, rules, standards, and images – only Jesus. Thank you for revealing this blindness and opening my eyes to the truth. In Jesus’ name, Amen.” (May 25, 2021)

Separated to the Spirit

“Separation” was a buzzword in college. I was separated to living right, looking right, and being a good Christian example. But, what was never talked about was truly being separated to the Spirit. We talked about the holiness of Jesus, right doctrine, defending the faith, but loving others and the love of Jesus were not there. I cannot remember a lesson about love in my theology classes or seminary classes. The only thing I remember is how professors would mock Christians who focused too much on the love Christ “when, instead, we should be holy.”

It is the love of Christ which causes us to be holy (separated) unto the Spirit. Holiness without Christ’s love is only legalism.

As I stood in line waiting to be baptized, the worship team sang Living Hope. So many times I sang that at Bob Jones University. Today, those words brought tears to my eyes. My hope isn’t found in my loyalty to lists, but in a perfect savior.

In my past, so many people “bet” on the longevity of my spiritual decisions, and used them against me to get me back on the “right path.” Jesus does not do that. Baptism does not celebrate my perfection or my decision to live in loyalty to a list. It is a symbol picturing leaving my past behind and moving forward only towards Jesus by being separated to the Spirit.

As I was lifted out of the water, legalism lost its grip on me. Strivings cease, because perfection could never earn it. A slave is loved based on his performance, but a son is loved unconditionally. I was never created to perform. I was created to connect and to love, because I am loved.

I was baptized today. Why? Because I am turning away from a legalistic noose to the life given freely by Jesus.

August 8, 2021 – The day I publicly leave the fundamentalist and legalistic mindset, and turn to Jesus. He is my living hope.

Escaping This Lonely World

“Yes, there is joy, fulfillment and companionship—but the loneliness of the soul in its appalling self-consciousness is horrible and overpowering.” – Sylvia Plath

I remember the night before it happened. I was sitting outside. The sky was clear. The stars shone, and I looked deeply into depth of night. Searching Scripture and journaling had come to an end. No answers came. No solution manifested. Dark silence felt like a noose around my neck. Then, a questioned sighed out of my depression, “Where are you?”

Tossing all night, my mind muddled in despair. I couldn’t go to anyone about my struggles, or I could lose my job. I couldn’t open up without rejection. No one was there. Christian clichés cluttered my thoughts. As dawn came, a decision was made: it is time for me to escape this lonely world.


How many of us have felt invisible, lost in a maddening crowd, and forgotten? How many of us have thrown out a prayer for someone, anyone to just be there? How many of us felt loneliness like a walk in a cemetery, talking to cold stones with silence meeting our tears?

How can we escape this lonely world?

The Liminal Space of Loneliness

Where does loneliness come from? Is it from God? Have we done something where God teases us with companionship like a cruel carrot cast in front of a donkey?

God said from the beginning, “It is not good for the man to be alone (Genesis 2:18).” We see throughout Scripture, man is not meant to be alone. Loneliness is not from God. It is a part of the fallen world putting us in a liminal space lost in the space between spaces.

Since God created man not to be alone, then Satan wants man to be alone. We see in many of the miracles of Jesus, he went to the liminal space. The lepers were outcast between villages (Luke 17:11-13). The demon-possessed man was chained among the tombs into a lost loneliness (Mark 5:1-5). A lonely woman wandered to a well in the heat of the day (John 4:6-7). All these individuals (and plenty more mentioned in the Gospels) found themselves in the lonely liminal space.

Loneliness is part of Satan’s scheme to separate others. If man was not meant to be alone, then the perfect way to destroy God’s beautiful creation is to separate them.

How many of us find ourselves lost in the lonely liminal traveling here and there without a place of belonging?

A Settled Savior

One of my favorite verses in the Bible is John 1:14, “So the Word became human and made his home among us…” Jesus, the Son of God, made his place among us. He took on a human body and kept it.

Jesus is a settled savior. Sure, he did not have a place to rest his head (Luke 9:58), but he did have a place to belong. Being known as a friend of sinners shows us where Jesus settled. He settled and found his place among the sinners, the outcasts, and the rejected (Mark 2:13-17; Luke 7:36-50; Luke 19:1-10). His place was with those who had no place.

When he healed people, he not only cured their diseases and cast out demons, but he also gave each individual a place. They no longer were outcasts to somehow survive in the the lonely liminal. He brought them to a place of belonging and in fellowship with other humans just like he originally intended back in the garden.

The Called Community

The place Jesus gave people to belong to wasn’t a village, a building, or a commune. It is a called community known as the Church. As we look through the various epistles, the vast majority of them are written to a group of people or church(es) in various regions.

Paul, in I Corinthians 12:12-27, likens this community to a body. For a human body to work, everything must be working together. There isn’t any lonely body parts off doing their own thing, meditating on God’s Word, or contemplating in silence their identity. All parts have to rely on each other in order for the body to work. Even in Philippians 2:1-2, Paul tells us that to belong to Christ is to be in relationship with one another in humility. How many passages in the epistles mention unity or have the theme of unity?

In Romans 12:9-10, we read about how we are to love each other with genuine affection. You can’t show affection to yourself. Affection is shown to another. The church is to be a community collectively cherishing each other in genuine affection, called out by Christ for his purpose.

Lashing Out at the Lonely

Yet, why do we have an epidemic worse than Covid? Why does loneliness suck the life out of Christians? Why does the struggle of loneliness cause more loneliness?

When someone comes up to us who seems “needy for people,” isn’t the first thing said, “You need to work on finding your identity in Christ and not others”? So, we meet the struggle of loneliness with more loneliness? It is the same as saying to a fellow believer without food, “Be warmed and filled, and I will pray for you as you pray for God to provide.” Yet, we “comfort” with trite treatises of prayer and Christian clichés without helping (James 2:14-16).

Yes, our identity is hid with Christ. But, our place and belonging is with our called community together. What we forget is the Bible is originally written to a collectivistic society (no, not socialistic). Collectivism, in cultural studies, means to value the group or family identity over the individual identity. Americans are very good individualistics. We tend to prize our individual identity over a group or family identity. Yet, we see many places in Scripture that our identity is in Christ and is worked out together in the church.

When we push the lonely away to “focus on their relationship with Jesus,” we further Satan’s scheme of separation. Instead, wouldn’t it be better to come alongside each other to disciple? Discipling does not happen in the lonely liminal. It happens in a community.

The Invisible Made Visible

In all of our hearts, we know we are not meant to do life alone. Through the Covid Pandemic, mental health issues rose as isolation and loneliness crippled our souls. Yet, why are we so quick to say to the lonely, “Focus on God. I’ll be praying for you”?

One of my favorite lines in a Disney movie comes from The Princess Diaries. When Michael asks Mia, “Why me?” Her response is perfect, “Because you saw me when I was invisible.”

I have been lonely. I have felt the insane, pinball effects of loneliness. I have felt the deep ache seeing others together wishing I was there. It is like a snow-covered orphan looking in a window at a family enjoying a Christmas dinner. Yearning to belong.

Why do you think Paul uses terms like brothers and sisters, fathers and mothers in talking about the church? It is because the church is a family of belonging. The church makes the invisible visible. There is no more wandering in the church. We have a body to belong to. We get to be visible to others around us, because Jesus changed us from invisible to visible.

Let’s not let Satan separate us anymore. God created man not to be alone and to be a part of a called community. Sure, we can’t be friends with everyone. As a teacher, I know this very well. Yet, we can make friends in our local communities and develop friendships far away as God allows.

Loneliness does not have to be tool Satan uses to divide. Instead, the power of Christ brings us from the lonely liminal into a place of belonging – the Church.

Today, how can we help people escape the lonely liminal to find the called community we belong in together?

Ashamed to Shine

“To be a star, you must shine your own light, follow your path, and don’t worry about the darkness, for that is when the stars shine brightest.” – Ralph Waldo Emmerson

I lashed out again.
I hurt a friendship again.
I fell again.

It’s the word “again” which gives me the most anxiety. “Again, I did….” How many more times will this happen? How many times will I have to go to that person to ask for forgiveness? How many times will I have to go to God for forgiveness? How many times will I disappoint God and others?

How many more times will I fall? When will be the time I do not get back up again?

Ashamed of who I am, I would rather bury the light of Christ in me than anyone to ever think I am a Christian. Why? Because, it happened again. Why? Because, I’m not like that Christian over there.

How do I shine after the “again”?

The Command I Conceal

Matthew 5:14-16

Jesus calls me the light of the world. Not only is he the light of the world (John 8:12), but he calls me the the light of the world as well. Not only that, he says to let my light shine and be seen, so others can praise God.

What a heavy burden. I thought Christ’s burden was easy and his yoke was light (Matthew 11:30). When the “again” happens, I feel the weight of this command. I want to conceal it. I can’t put my light out there for all to see. Not only will it light up their darkness, but it will expose mine.

My life isn’t perfect. There are other Christians better suited at shining their light. Instead, I can be a cheerleader for them, right? Unfortunately, through the shame over my “agains,” Jesus still commands me to shine.

Jesus did not die for me and give me a new life in order for me to hide it away even when there is still darkness.

Transforming Thoughts on Darkness

My mind always wants to say, “But, look at all the darkness in my life.” I know it is there, there are plenty of others who know it is there, and God definitely knows it is there. Just look at the bridges I have burnt. There is more light on the flames of my burnt bridges than the light inside me.

Yet, I forget something. With Christ, even with each struggle, stumble, and fall, he is the light inside me. It’s not me.

In I Timothy 1:13-14, Paul reveals that he all the darkness in him. However, Paul did not see it as his effort to keep his light going, because his light did not come from him. Instead, it came from God filling him with faith and love. The light that I am ashamed to shine is from Christ. If he can work through Paul, can he not work through me? I get caught up in my “agains” so many times that I forget to see God’s “not yets.” God, through the Holy Spirit, is working on me each step of the way. Not only that, but he promised he will continue his work in me until it is finished (Philippians 1:6).

God knows I am imperfect, and I need a perfect savior. Good thing it is not me. So many times I get caught up, after salvation, trying to be the savior of my own thoughts and action. I never allow the Spirit to work. I may become an expert in killing sin, but in reality I end up killing grace. I need to learn to let the Spirit lead me. I need to submit to his leading each day and each moment. If all I do is worry about what sin isn’t conquered, or the next “again,” then I am still living a slave to sin and not as a son to the Spirit.

The Again’s Aftershock

Recently, I lashed out… again. I said a snarky comment… with many agains. The depression resulting from an “again” is a miserable place to be. All I could see in me is a monster which could not be stopped. Is this all I was? Am I predestined to be a monster? (Breathe Calvinists. Yes, I said your trigger word.)

With these thoughts, I can turn to beating myself up. I can focus on how many people are winning the “spiritual bet” on my life with how long it was in between each blow up or lash out. These thoughts can make me hate myself in ways I was never meant to.

In Psalm 37:23-24, I am told God delights in every detail of my life. When I see a fail, he sees a time to get back up. I want to say, “God, I failed again.” God holds my hand gently saying, “Stephen, it is time to get back up, again.” So often, I judge myself by how many times I lash out again or blow up again. Yet, I hardly look at how many times I get back up again. As long as I put my hope in the Lord, I will continue to travel steadily down his path; even if my feet stumble (Psalm 37:34).

Shining Again

I fell again. I remember the last time I lashed out. I shake my head in shame. I think about the next time I am in church. Should I even go? Can I even sing? Won’t most people see me as a hypocrite?

Interestingly, those questions focus on my works not on the forgiveness Christ has given me. Proverbs 17:9 gives me the key to move forward. Love prospers when Christ has forgiven me. If I keep dwelling on my “agains,” then I am only walking away from that relationship with Christ. It is when I bask in Christ’s love for me that I begin to prosper and shine again. (This verse can apply to all relationships)

If my focus is on my “agains,” then no one will see the work of Christ that the Holy Spirit is working on. If I focus on the love of Christ and his forgiveness, then I can sing in church, raise my hands, and shine. Even if my light exposes my darkness, I still have the light.

There are a few friends I have who I have lashed out and hurt multiple times. Yet, with a huge hug, they forgive me and say, “I love you. I am so proud of you.” They understand how the Holy Spirit works, and celebrate when those works are seen. When I, again, stumble, they are the quickest hands to help me up. Through their example, I have learned to keep going and to forgive myself. Without them, I would have quit a long time ago. The only writing anyone would have seen would’ve been on a gravestone.

There are days I feel too ashamed to shine and let my light shine. I look at how I failed and fell again, and the shame snuffs out my light. Thank God, it is not my light. It is the light of Christ. Each day is a reminder I can get up again and keep going again. People can judge me by my past (even recent past). But, if I use their shame to keep me from shining, then I live in the darkness of my “agains.”

If I allow Jesus’ “agains” to inspire the next steps, then I can shine without shame.

Blood Over the Closet Door

“His blood is shed in confirmation of the noblest claim – the claim to feed upon immortal truth, to walk with God, and be divinely free.” – William Cowper

Worse than the dreaded black spot…
Worse than any hex from the witches in Macbeth
Worse than being dead…

Being same-sex attracted

What if they found out? What would happen to my life? I’m already disabled, why did God have to give me this?

I felt cursed. I felt that I had to find a way to break the spell and to set myself free before the clock struck my fatal doom. The lonely quest to rid my mind and heart of this darkness was before me. Yet, quest after quest, I still couldn’t rid myself of this curse. I prayed it away. I literally cut my own flesh to bleed it out. Eventually, I found myself facing an ominous truth – it is better to be dead than being same-sex attracted. What else could I do? In death I could escape what cruel life had dealt in my losing hand.

40% of people, ages 13-24, who experience any sort of same-sex attraction consider suicide, reported NBC News on July 15, 2020.

Some would rather nail their own coffin shut than come out of the closet. March 2020, I found myself driving down that same road.

However, is this thing really a curse? Is it something I need to hide deep in a closet? Is it something I need to fear?

Loosening the Chains of Romans 1

For many years, I heard Romans 1:26-27. Sitting among my peers, I heard these verses echoing in my ears. Since I was attracted to men, did that mean God gave up on me? What did I do to deserve this? Hell scared me, and I tried everything to become “straight” and “a proper masculine man.” Each time I walked into a church service, all I could think was God giving me over because I experienced something I did not want. I could never get out of Romans 1.

Yet, just a few pages over we read Romans 5:1. I have peace with God, because of Jesus Christ. Peace doesn’t come from me or my doings. It came from Jesus. Then, keep turning the pages to Romans 8:1. Right now, there is no condemnation, because of Jesus. Romans 1 is my past. Romans 8 is my present.

I believed in my heart and called on the name of Jesus Christ, and, therefore, I am saved. That is it. Therefore, I’m free from Romans 1 to live in Romans 8.

But, that doesn’t change the fact that I am same-sex attracted. It doesn’t change my feelings of being cursed. Is there another way?

No Longer Fearing the Closet Door

Same-sex attraction, especially to Christians, can be a fear worst than a serial killer breaking into your home. We hide it away, close the closet door, nail it shut, and board it up with bricks. We pray and pray and pray it away.

But, what if it does not go away?

II Corinthians 12:8-10 provides hope.

Paul prayed three times for God to take away a thorn in the flesh. We do not know what it is. We could fill in the blank with same-sex attraction or a host of others things. Yet, how did Paul view this thorn? He viewed as something he can boast in, because God’s grace is all he needed to live with it (II Corinthians 12:9).

His thorn wasn’t a curse. He accepted it, because this “thorn” was a conduit to see the power of Christ actively working. Without it, would Paul or the rest of the world be able to see Christ work in such a powerful way? Paul never boasted in what he was strong in (Philippians 3:4-9). Instead, he decided to boast in what made him weak in order for others to see the power of Christ work in him (II Corinthians 11:30). When he did, look at what God did. Paul wasn’t powerful because of his credentials. Paul was powerful, because God used what others perceived as a weakness to show the mighty power of a passionate Savior.

Do I have the same view of being same-sex attracted?

Yes. It is not a curse. It is a gift. It is something God, not just can, but will use. I do not have to fear the closet door. The test of being a good Christian is not how good I follow rules and keep a “perfect Christian image.” The mark of a true Christian is knowing that Jesus Christ is working in you through his Spirit (II Corinthians 13:5).

Christ’s Blood Over My Closet Door

Fearing what other people think about our “weaknesses” is a scary place to be; when we focus on their opinion. It is a scary place to be when we keep hearing hellfire, brimstone, and every graphic imagery of Hell as we see signs saying, “God hates fags.”

The Israelites in Egypt faced a similar situation. Hated and enslaved by the Egyptians, they wanted to be free. In Exodus 12, God tells Moses to put the blood of a lamb over the people’s doorpost. Redemption was on its way, but it would bring a cost to those who did not have blood on their door. After this first Passover, the Israelites celebrate it every year.

Jesus is our sacrificed lamb. We are able to dip our lives in his blood, and to paint his blood over our closet door. Condemnation passes over us. We are free from the slavery of sin. A slave is loved by his performance. But, a son or daughter is loved unconditionally by their father. This is who our God is.

But, guess what? Jesus is not done. Because of Christ’s blood on our closet door, we can with confidence say with Paul, “I now boast of my weaknesses, so that I (and the world) can see Jesus work through me. Because, when I am weak, Jesus is even more powerful.”

Many times, we view same-sex attraction as a curse we must break. Is God surprised that this is in our life (Psalm 139:13-16)? Do we not think God has a plan for this, and he has us in this situation for such a time as this (Esther 4:14)?At least four times, in the Gospels, we are told nothing is impossible for God (Matthew 19:26; Mark 10:27; Luke 1:37; Luke 18:27). Immediately, some of us want to say, “Yes, God can take it away.” But, what if he does not? Can we still not say that it is impossible for God to use the same-sex attraction in my life?

Christ’s blood guarantees I am saved, and God is working in my life. His blood above my closet door frees me to be me. I do not have to fear the opinion of others, because it is God who my faith is to please. His love for me casts out fear.

Too many times I hated myself over being same-sex attracted. Eventually, that self-hatred led to a suicide attempt in March 2020. Does God want that for me? His desire is to give us life abundantly. Can that be for me ever tough I am same-sex attracted? A resounding, YES!

If I can’t trust God to work in my life with being same-sex attracted, then I truly do not trust the blood of Christ to fully forgive me. See, what other’s call weak, is kindling to see the phoenix-like power of Christ. He doesn’t see a “oops” in my story. He sees a new chapter to bring more glory to himself through something others reject. That is how powerful the blood of my savior is. Even though there are days I cannot see it, I know God is working. I believe he is, because I live by faith and not by sight (II Corinthians 5:7).

We need to not fear the closet door. Christ’s blood is over it. We can open up, step out, and walk in the freedom Christ gives as his living water overflows out of the new life he has given.

How powerful is the blood of Jesus Christ to You?

Faith In The Fog

“Faith consists in believing when it is beyond the power of reason to believe.” – Voltaire

Even when the sun shines and the sky is blue, we find ourselves lost in a fog. Our thoughts jumbled. The path lost. We hear voices come from who knows where. Visions jump out of the fog like images of horror. We wander in blindness fearing where are steps could lead – will they lead to light and clarity or will we fatally fall?

Depression is a hazy term for some. Others know it chokes the air right out of you. Moments in the fog can turn into days, and days turn into weeks, months, seasons, and years. Eventually, we find ourselves unable to put one foot in front of the other. We sink to the ground, wishing out head would shut up and quiet down so we could know where to go.

Yet, when the voices and visions overwhelm, and the ominous fatality looms over us like a dark-hooded creature, what do we do?

How can I not lose hope in the fog?

Voices in the Fog

The fog brings out many voices. They seem to come from every direction and sound like a cacophony of chaos. You hear negative, positive, and everything in between. You hear the voices coming from this direction and that direction telling you to walk, run, flee, or stop. There are some days you would rather yell at the voices to stop than deal with the menagerie migraine of loud murmurings.

Moments alone, I have yelled for the voices to shut up. I’ve had to run out of rooms in order to just get them to calm down. I’ve had to close my eyes in order to just calm my mind’s mutterings. But, which voices are negative and which ones are positive? Sometimes the voices make us question and reevaluate our reality. Is what we are going through because of a sin or is this something that will turn out beautiful?

I remember, recently, as I reached out for help through the fog, someone told me, “This is happening because you are off of God’s path. Once you are back on the path, then the depression will go away.” Anything like this is not from God, nor is it good. God does not shame us. He draws us with his love. I know he used this method through Balaam’s ass (Numbers 22:21-39), but those who say these things are an ass.

God does not work like this. When we feel abandoned, he promises to hold us close (Psalm 27:10). He is the source of all hope which leads to an overflow of confident hope (Romans 15:13). His voice is brings sanity, stability, healing, and calls us by the intimacy of belonging (Mark 5:1-34). True friends communicate the compassion of Christ by bringing us to him, rather than shunning us with shame (Luke 5:17-26).

Voices can confuse and wound or clear and heal. Listen to the voices of kindness, of healing, and of light and love. These are voices transformed by the heart of the compassionate Christ. The father of the prodigal son never shamed his son, and neither will Jesus shame you (Luke 15:11-24; Romans 10:11).

Listen for the voices of compassion, love, and healing. Light does not come through shame and shunning. It comes from the love of a savior who’s heart is gentle and lowly wanting to comfort us in the fog.

Visions in the Fog

However, what is worse than the voice in the fog are the visions which frighten us to our already chaotic core. These images seem to rival the imagery out of horror novels and movies. They scare us in the stillness of night, and to speak them out loud, we fear others will lock us up or label us as crazy.

The visions I have seen while in the fog have shaken me awake where I end up on the couch, with all the lights on, and I fall asleep to a noisy television. At time, I have felt a presence of a man in my home. One darkened by sinister shadows with a suicidal smirk. The vision of a social media post stating, “Stephen lost his battle with depression earlier today,” has swarmed my mind like a plague of locust. These visions are vicious as they jump out of the fog snarling at me.

Yet, how do we calm our fears of these visions? The classic passage to turn to is Philippians 4:8. I have groaned when people quote this to me. I want to say, “Can you think fast?” as I want to punch them in the face. Yet, breathing, there is truth in here. I always thought it was to think about God and Jesus, and everything will be happier than a Disney film. But, this verse uses the term “whatever.” This means anything that falls into these categories we can think of and use. Things that remind us of friends, good things, God’s faithfulness, beauty, artwork, anything which brings that glow to our soul qualify to be included in this verse. J.M. Barrie (author of Peter Pan) said, “God gave us memory so that we might have roses in December.”

How do we find beauty in the fog? We put up reminders of memories. I have put up a picture wall of friends who have encouraged me, I put notes, cards, and messages in a place where I can read them to cheer my soul. I have books of artworks which causes my heart to wonder at such beauty. God didn’t mean for us to only think about him, or why would he give us beauty in the world, creativity in our mind, and comfort in our community?

Visions of horror in the fog scare us, shake us, and sever hope from our soul. Yet, when we can grasp a glimpse of beauty, the light can spark splendid healing from the inside out.

Falling in the Fog

But, these things do not always work. There are times the fog is so dense, the voices so loud, the visions so horrifying, we fall to the ground. We feel our screams for help are choked out by the fog. We see the “promises of God,” and we want to rip them out of the Bible to be kindling for our fiery anger. When people come at us with Christian clichés, we want to slap them across the face and say, “So, why didn’t you turn the other cheek?”

I have ripped out pages of Scripture, I have chucked Bibles across the room, and I have lashed out at people who even try to tell me to trust God. I have found myself, like Mary Magdalene in The Chosen, ripping up Scripture and tossing it away. Hope vanished as the fog choked out the last of the light.

When these things happen, I need to realize that there is still hope. I may not be where I want to be now, but I am becoming. Each time I fall in the fog is another opportunity to find every ounce of strength from Christ to see the beautiful again. He promises I can do all things through Him who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13). This is especially true when we fall in the fog.

Even when we fall, the heart of Jesus reaches out to us. If we fight back, we will see that love never gives up, endures all things, and love never, ever, ever fails (I Corinthians 13:7). We will see this love come through others around us, visions from God like a dove leading us away from a cliff, through a soft spoken word, a reminder of his truth, or something simple to make us smile. That is his love helping us stand again.

Jesus in the Fog

Through all of the voices, visions, and fallings, there is one thing we can count on: Jesus. Without him, the fog will always be a place of fear. His heart cries when we find ourselves faithless in the fog. His tears are not of disappointment, but out of the ache of love. He doesn’t want us to stay there. Instead, he call us by name and he redeems us.

In the TV show The Chosen, we see this through the powerful transformation of Mary Magdalene. As she reaches for anything to numb her migraine of murmurings, Jesus stops her hand. Then, as she leaves the tavern he calls her by her name.

Watch Scene Here

The fog is an awful place to be. Ignorant people who dismiss us make it worse. We try to silence the voices, look away from the visions, and keeping our feet from fall is exhausting. Some days we can’t even get through the next minute. Living day to day becomes living moment by moment as we hear the metronome of the clock countdown each second of our day.

Yet, we need to realize Jesus is really with us. He isn’t this savior without understanding. He became man, took a body, and kept it. He understands what it’s like to have voices yelling at him (Luke 4:1-13). He’s had horrifying visions cloud his sight and shake him till his sweat became like blood (Luke 22:41-44). Therefore, his heart does not shame us or shun us, because we find ourselves lost in the fog. Instead, he draws us close. He holds us with intimacy in his heart.

When it seems like we cannot believe in anything, and reason tells us to rip up Scripture tossing it off the cliff, faith tells us to keep going. Faith tells us Jesus is in the fog with us, and he understands. Faith opens our eyes to see beautiful again. Faith causes us to stand in the fog singing “Your promise still stands/ Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness/ I’m still in Your hands/ This is my confidence/ You’ve never failed me yet.” Do It Again by Elevation Worship

The fog may last a long time. But, we know that we can have faith in the fog, because Jesus is with me each step of the way. His promise still stands. He will rescue me out of the fog like he has done time and time again.

He will do it again.

Love’s Becoming

“Love is like a tree, it grows of its own accord, it puts down deep roots into our whole being.”
– Victor Hugo

Ever felt unlovable? Ever felt there was something wrong with you making you isolate yourself from others?

I know those feelings deeply. It feels like a dark cloud I cannot escape. Every passing, nonverbal expression of people seem to tattoo the realities of those thoughts. They hurt and scar like metal etching on our very soul.

We feel like Stitch from Disney’s Lilo and Stitch. We cannot control the vile villain inside us. Are we programmed to be this way?

Yet, someone steps in and Stitch begins his becoming…

Love’s we

This is Your Badness Level Clip (Watch)

Yes, I have laughed at the pain of others. It was probably followed with Stitch’s snicker and applause. Each of us know the depth of how awful we can be. Yet, it becomes a reality when someone points it out.

Usually, when we have our “badness level” revealed, we lash out and hide. Lilo reveals Stitch’s badness. Yet, is she having a counseling meeting? No. She says they have to fix it. Not Stitch alone. Lilo uses “we.”

All my life, I was told how bad I was, how I did not measure up, how I needed to keep working on myself. “Stephen, you need to fix this,” was the classic saying, and the burden of books and Bible studies weighed me down into a hopeless task. I tried memorizing Scripture, praying, counseling, and any other way for me to fix this. Yet, I was missing one thing. I was missing my “we.”

Romans 12:9-10 states we are to not just pretend to love others. We need to show genuine affection. Who are we to model with our love? Jesus. Think of Peter and Jesus. Jesus showed Peter the reality of his heart at the last supper. Peter would deny Christ. Yet, did Jesus say he needed to fix this? Instead, Jesus says it will be fixed, and he will restore Peter (Luke 22:31-32; John 21:12-22). The badness level in Peter did not scare Jesus. He had to work with Peter.

When Lilo chose Stitch, she loved him. She saw how bad he could be. Yet, she didn’t toss him away in a ditch because he couldn’t behave right away. Instead, she said to him, “We have to fix this.” She wanted to see Stitch become her true friend.

love’s placing

Stitch Finding His Place (Watch)

Lilo knows in order to help Stitch, she needs to find his place in society. She puts Stitch in multiple situations in order to teach him how to fit into the world around him. One of my favorite lines in this scene is when Stitch kisses the old lady, and they run out of the hotel with Lilo saying, “I’m sure Elvis had his bad days too.”

How many times do we feel like our badness level keeps us from fitting in? I know for me, I felt like a nomad wandering from group to group. I knew a lot of people, but never found my place. This can be a sad reality in the church for many Christians. Yet, I Corinthians 12:12-27 shows us everyone has a place in the body of Christ. It might take some time figuring out, but there is a place for us. Our badness level does not keep us out of the body of Christ. If it did, then the cross would never be enough. We need the body to come along side helping us find our place.

Love does that. Christ had a tax collector, a zealot, and a “foot-in-mouth” as part of his group. Yet, he loved them. He loves us and we love each other. Love finds our place in the body, and rejoices.

Love’s belonging

“I remember everyone who leave” (Watch)

After Stitch blows up at the beach, Nani and Lilo will be split the next day. Stitch leaves. Yet, Lilo wants him to be a part of her family as their baby. As he crawls out the window, Lilo says, “Ohana means family. Family nobody gets left behind. But, if you want to leave you can. I’ll remember you though. I remember everyone who leaves.”

What love says this? We tend to see people destroy our lives, and we let them go with “Forget you” in our facial expression. Yet, Lilo says she will remember Stitch. Her love caused him to realize he was lost without his Ohana. While others wanted him gone, Lilo showed him where he belongs.

When we have wronged God, his love isn’t just to say, “Forget you.” Instead, his love causes us not even to beat ourselves up. He runs to us. He embraces and kisses us, and he brings us back into his Ohana (Luke 15). Nobody gets left behind or forgotten.

Love’s becoming

What happens at the end of Lilo and Stitch? Stitch rescues Lilo. She says, “You came back.” His simple response, “Nobody gets left behind.” Does that sound like the Stitch we’ve been seeing since the beginning of the film? No. Love is causing Stitch to become something else. He is transforming. Behavior modification did not change him, but the love of a girl in need of a friend.

I have been Stitch. I can be mean and nasty. Ask most people in my life. Being a writer gives you the power of words. Yet, too many times I have used them to lash out. I always see myself as the villain, the unlovable one, the freak to climb back into the bell tower, the one who needed to kill himself in order to stop hurting people. It was a year ago I was introduced to a group. They brought to the surface the pain of my past, the hurts of others, and how patterns of defense and attack came from those events. As these things came out, they endured lashing out like a traitor backstabbing his friend. I hurt them deeply; like Stitch did to Lilo. I knew they loved me, but I also know that love can be out of duty and as thin as ice cracking on the Great Lakes.

June 26, 2021. My wife was up to something for my 30th birthday (which was the Thursday before). A friend picked me up to hang out and go to lunch. When we walked into the restaurant, there were those guys I had hurt. They were there for me. I was so surprised I did not even know how to react. What made it special on 6/26 each guy got me something with Stitch on it. Even with my messy life, I was still wanted and still brought close.

Ohana means family. Family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten. This summer, I am celebrating 6 months of progressive victory over depression and suicidal thinking. I am now a month off of my antidepressant. I have been able to forgive and work through the effects of the past not letting those things control me. I have been able to stop hating myself, and be me. This could’ve only happen because these friends chose me, did not let go, knowing that loving me I would begin becoming.

At the end of the movie, Stitch speaks the clearest he ever has (Watch Scene)

Lilo becomes his family. Lilo’s love caused Stitch to become someone he did not start off as. Even as little and broken as they were, Stitch ends up finding his place with them because of one girl’s love.

Jesus is the ultimate example of this. He tells us in Romans 12:9-10 to love each other with genuine affection without pretending. Lilo and Stitch shows us what transformation can happens with real love.

True love melts our icy hearts so it can beat again. True love restores, heals, and starts a process of becoming. People will give up on us, reject us, and try to stop us from shining. Yet, there are some who will not let go, and who will help you see beautiful again. Then, we get to share that love with others.

I am love’s becoming, because someone did not leave me behind or forget me. I would not be where I am at without them. I would not see the gentle and lowly heart of Jesus. Becoming starts with the loving heart of Jesus transforming one, and that heart loving on another. How perfect does a simple Disney movie teach us this?

Jesus told us the mark of a disciple is love. Love does not have anything to do with rules, standards, and images. Love is the “we,” love is seeing how we all are perfectly placed in the body, love is belonging, love is becoming. Those who love like this are like the living letters of Christ jumping off the pages of Scripture. You can fight against them, but they do not let go. They draw you close, because they know only love transforms the beast into a prince, the monster into a human, and the alien into a family member.

Elsa, Grover, and You

“God hath given you one face, and you make yourself another.” – William Shakespeare

“Where are you going?!”

These words were the last words I thought I’d hear from my wife. I shut the car door, breathed, and turned on the engine. My mind was racing with thoughts of being a disappointment. Faces appeared in my vision. People shaking their heads once they knew. I couldn’t just let it go anymore. There was a monster at the end of my book, and I couldn’t let my readers turn to that final page. The book must be destroyed. Living in crippling criticism, degrading disappointment, and a frustrating future was not a path I wanted for me and those in my life. If I was gone, then they could move on, and I wouldn’t be a burden on their soul. Tears are temporary, but disappointment is a debilitating future.

My mind was made up. The song “Monster” from the musical Frozen screamed in my head – “I’m making my world colder/ How long can it survive?/ Is everyone in danger/ As long as I’m alive?”

“I already have burdened friends and embarrassed my family by being disabled. They won’t be able to handle the weight of me being same-sex attracted.” Kill the monster, and they will be free.

I pulled out into traffic, and I chose the lane with traffic heading towards me.


Elsa, Grover, and me

The three of us share a battle many fight. We all try to conceal and not let people close enough to see what we are hiding. In Grover’s book, The Monster at the End of This Book, he tried everything he could to keep the readers from seeing the monster on the last page. Elsa, in Disney’s Frozen, wore gloves and kept people at a distance so she wouldn’t harm them. I tried for years to conceal my secrets. If someone found out, I would burn that bridge. If people knew the real me, then I would never be wanted, and my life would fall apart.

Each of us are like Elsa and Grover. We have something we hide. We have a secret that if anyone ever knew, the consequences would be severe. We even hide it from God lest he remove his love and blessings from our life. Our energy is spent building walls, wearing our gloves, warning people, and at the end of the day we sit in the stillness of night alone.

“Monster! Freak! Burden!” Our secret screams at us. The fight is never ending. On Sundays, if there is a call forward, we dare not go forward lest we reveal our true self. We find addictions to cover up the truth from ourselves and others. We do not have pain to numb, but we have a secret to keep quiet.

How many of us, honestly, are there?

God of the monsters

Does God love us even with our secrets? Even being monsters?

Sometimes, we look around our churches and see how good everyone is. We see their list of leading a Sunday School class, raising their hands in worship, talking about victories in their life, etc. We think, “I wish I was like them. I wish I did…”

Did you know Jesus condemns this? He doesn’t want people of lists. He wants the “monsters.” In Luke 18:9-14, we see a Pharisee listing off all he does and does not do, and we see a tax collector who can’t even look towards heaven. The one who was forgiven and walked away justified wasn’t the one with the list. It was the one who thought he was a monster. Jesus was known as the friend of sinners by the Pharisees and religious leaders. Sinners were the outcasts, the “monsters,” of society. Yet, Jesus wanted them. He went to find them (Mark 5:1-20), and he wanted to be touched by them (Mark 5:25-34).

But, does he understand my secret? Let’s change that question. Does God not know about your secret? Psalm 139 would suggest he does. God is not surprised. He is the one who wrote down all your days, who knows all your thoughts, and he still loves you. Does God create garbage? Then why do we call ourselves a monster? It is the world around us (and sometimes in the church) where we have learned to refer to ourselves by another name. Truthfully, God has called you from birth to be who he made you to be. He knows us intimately. He has a plan filled to the brim with hope for us (Jeremiah 1:5; Jeremiah 29:11).

Yet, how many times have I rolled my eyes at those verses? How could God love me? How could God not see me as a monster? My thoughts were not shaped in the image of God. They were shaped in man’s image of God. I got so caught up in the voices of other’s preaching God’s Word that I forgot to listen to God’s Word for myself. God loves me. He loves the disabled, same-sex attracted Stephen Field.

The transformation

When we get to the end of Grover’s book, we find the monster was Grover all along. What changes Elsa’s heart and calm the fear of herself? Love.

We see a monster inside of us. We keep it hidden under the floorboards, keep people from seeing it, and we even give into addictions in order to keep ourselves from seeing it in the mirror. Guess what? God does not see a monster. He sees his beautiful creation downtrodden by people who want an image over love.

It is only when we can accept ourselves can we begin to see the love of Jesus. See, inside of us is a melody that God composed that is far better than any composition ever written on earth. Once we see and experience the love of Jesus the curse break and our song can be sung.

God created us to be who we are. Yet, we try to create another face so we are not rejected. We have painted, sculpted, and silenced ourselves in order for others to love us on their term. However, we never love people on God’s term – unconditional. We do not even love ourselves on his term.

There is a prince or princess under the mask we wear. There is not a monster at the end of the book. There is a beautiful human made in the image of God with a melody ready to burst forth.

The beautiful creation of me

“I am a monster.”

The monster in me had to die. A yellow pickup truck with huge wheels came barreling around the curve. This was it. I pressed the gas a bit harder, yet something in me jerked. My car slid over to the correct lane as a horn blared, and the yellow truck disappeared behind me. Panting, I pulled into a parking lot.

March 2020. The darkest month in my life started a journey of accepting myself with all the pieces God gifted me. Being same-sex attracted is not a curse. God tells me his grace is sufficient for everything (II Corinthians 12:8-10). I begged God for years to take it away. I loathed myself to the point where I literally began to cut myself to get it out of my life. Yet, isn’t God in the business of making everything beautiful in his time (Ecclesiastes 3:11)? I am same-sex attracted. Can’t God use that? I am disabled, walk with a limp, and have bathroom issues which could be written into Saturday Night Live skits. Does that make me a freak? No. I accept who I am. I truly believe God is going to us all of this. Even if it means I have the faith of a mustard seed, I know God will do the rest.

Elsa, Grover, and I have a lot in common. So do you. Hiding and preventing others from seeing the truth takes a lot of work. For me, it led to a decision which I never want to go back to. Being ourselves in full honesty before God is so much better than trying fake ourselves like the Pharisees. If he loves me for the way I am, then I can too.

William Shakespeare said, “If we are true to ourselves, we cannot be false to anyone.” Why should I should lock myself to the chains of concealment to please a person who is not my creator nor my savior? As a close friend, who has never let go even at my worst, said, “Don’t let the means of freedom become chains that hold you back.” Hold me back from what? Being who God made me to be and being used by him each step of the way.

Elsa, Grover, and us…

What is our decision? Do we still look at ourselves the way others want us to? Or do we see ourselves as God sees us?

No more self-hatred, no more hiding the truth with addictions. Self-acceptance is the starting point. Since accepting myself, I have been off of my high dosage of antidepressant for three weeks with no side effects. I am fast approaching six months of walking in progressive victory over my depression and suicidal thinking. Why? Because I came out of the closet? No. It is because I embraced who God made me to be and began to have faith he will make me even more beautiful in his timing.

Rediscovered Value

“A daffodil pushing up through the dark earth to the spring, knowing somehow deep in its roots that spring and light and sunshine will come, has more courage and more knowledge of the value of life than any human being I’ve met.”
– Madeliene L’Engle

“Until you get rid of this struggle in your life, God cannot fully use you.”
“Because of what you did, God will limit his opportunities for you.”
“You are an embarrassment. Why do you have to be so different?”

“You have no evidence to corroborate what you said. Therefore, it did not happen.”

I remember each event when these were said to me and by whom. Each conversation left me thinking, “Do I matter?” “Does my voice matter?” “Am I loved for me?” “If I have to change me for them to love me, then does that mean God doesn’t love me until I change?”

We all have those thoughts haunting the dark corners of our mind. In the stillness of our day, we hear the moans, cries, and chain rattling of these ghosts. We protect ourselves by turning on the TV, listening to music, and busying our mind, so the ghosts can’t imprison us in these down-spiraling thoughts.

Does God actually love me for me? The answer spoken in Fundamentalism would say, “Yes.” However, by how I was treated, how I was counseled, and how I was viewed, the reality was probably not until I changed. Sure, God loves the world enough to send Jesus. But, that only came across a participation prize for being human.

Does God actually love me? Do I have value to him? I have lashed out. I have the level of “snarkiness” to rival a Disney villain. I struggle each day. I voice opinions not popular. Does God actually love me, or do I have to change in order to experience his full love? Or maybe I’m just not at the mature enough Christian level to experience it?

How many of us have faced the same thoughts? Does God love us beyond a participation benefit for being human?

Jesus tells an interesting series of parables in Luke 15. Here, our answer will be found, dusted off, and rediscovered…

One of them lost and found

Luke 15:3-7

A man has 100 sheep. That is a lot of mouths to feed and a big pasture to clean up! However, one of them got lost. The shepherd leaves the 99 other sheep, and searches for the lost one until it is found.

What a great story! Most of us will immediately hear this and think of God’s heart for the lost. “God is searching for that lost sheep, and there may be someone here who is lost and needs to be found.” The preacher’s words are met with a hearty “amen” as the congregation sings Amazing Grace. Probably the piano is out of tune, and the song leader looks like a Looney Tune belting out the song.

But, back up. Let’s look at something we missed. Luke 15:3 states one of the hundred gets lost. “One of them,” shows us that this sheep isn’t some animal that doesn’t belong. This story isn’t a part of Sesame Street asking us which sheep doesn’t belong. This sheep was apart of the hundred. This sheep already was claimed by the shepherd. It was one of his.

He searched for what is his. The sheep did not lose its value once it was lost. In fact, the lost sheep is the passive character. The shepherd is actively looking for what is valuable to him. The shepherd exclaims, when his sheep is found in 15:6, “Let’s celebrate, because my lost sheep is found!”

Sure, we are either a lost or found sheep. But, his love does not change. It is not that he stumbled on a lost sheep and claimed it. Instead, he views the lost and the found as his and goes searching for his lost. How does this show the value God has for everyone? What values does that mean God places on us?

Dusting off the coin

Luke 15:8-10

A woman has ten silver coins. One goes missing. She stops what she is doing, sweeps and cleans her place until she finds it. Then she rejoices with her friends as something with value has been found.

Question – when a coin goes missing, does it lose its value?

No! Just because a coin is missing does not mean the coin stops being valuable in of itself. In fact, the woman (interesting that God is portrayed as a woman) cleans and dusts until it is found. She knew the value of her coin. It brings her immense joy to dust off the lost coin.

It is the same with God. He sees the value in each of us. Just because we are covered in dirt and dust doesn’t degrade our value. He intimately knows our value. He searches carefully for his lost, valuable coin. You and I have value to God whether found or lost.

He wouldn’t send Jesus to find something he did not know had value. The incarnation wasn’t a scouting mission to see what is valuable and what isn’t. God already knew, and he sent Jesus to seek and save his valuable lost.

lOVE prompting A LOST SON

Luke 15:11-31

The longest parable in this chapter is commonly known as “The Prodigal Son.” This is probably one of the best known parables in the Bible.

Yet, let’s look at a few things. The younger son takes his portion of his father’s estate, and goes off living a wild life. Through the dividing of the estate, the wild living, the famine, the feeding of pigs, and his return, there is one thing we must notice. He is never referred to anything other than the “son.” The father never saw him as anything lesser than his own son. It wasn’t that the father went to find a son. He already had one. He already loved his son, and he never took away that title.

Second, was it the son’s own will-power, determination, and work to return to his father? Many will say, “Yes! The son got up and returned to his father.” Step back to 15:17. He remembers the love and kindness of his father. He knew how his father treated the servants, and that prompted him to go back. It was not his determination. The son remembered the love of his father. In fact, 15:20 shows the heart of the father – “filled with love and compassion.”

The value of the son did not change, and neither did the heart of the father. The son did not have to prove himself or work his way through the ranks. The father accepted him as he was, cleaned him up, and rejoiced over his son coming home. God sees that same value on all of us. We never lose his love. People may change our status and give us different labels, but our value to God does not change.

embrace your value

So many times we let people to determine our value by our views, our personality, who we are, our beliefs, and our opinions. If it does not match up with someone, they treat us less than what we are worth. Their words become our mindset. We become brainwashed with beguiling degradation.

How many of us feel like we can never escape Romans 1:18-32? The voices of other’s feel like shackles imprisoning us to this awful state. Yet, are they the ones who values us, searches for us, and saves us? I am so glad it is a resounding, “No!” Because of Jesus, we are actually Romans 8 Christians – no longer condemned, home, and loved beyond anything we could imagine. No one and nothing can take away that love.

Just because a sheep and a coin were lost, does not mean the value was lost. In fact, the value made it more urgent for the shepherd and the woman to search.

Our value only gets lost in the dirt people throw on us. Once we dust that off, we will rediscover the value that is already there.

For too many years, I saw God’s love as grades on an assignment. My performance gave me more love or took away love. I learned that mindset from people around me. Instead, I need to remove the dirt others threw on me in order to rediscover the value Jesus sees in me. Everyday, haunting thoughts can imprison me in a beauty pageant of the pedestrians around me. Yet, if I daily see my value, then I know I am not in a contest. I am one of his, valuable to search for, and never anything less than God’s son.

Does God love me for me? Yes.

His love isn’t a participation benefit for being human. It is much deeper than that. He wants me. He desires me. He loves me, and he wants a relationship with me. Why does God love me? It is not because of me. It is not because I love God. It is because he loves me. That love is what prompts my heart to go to him; even as such a messed up person. My burdens, struggles, and hurts make his heart desire to be in a relationship with me. Me as me is what causes his arms to open wide.

Too many of us look at God through the eyes of others rather than the heart of Jesus.

Our value is not gone.

It is when we look at Jesus, we rediscover our value.