“Once a king or queen of Narnia, always a king or queen of Narnia.” – C.S. Lewis
I walked into my first ministerial class where every freshman to seminary student pursuing the ministry gathered. My nerves got to my throat and I swallowed. My seat was easy to find. Due to my last name, I was in the middle of a row. “What are you doing here, Stephen? You know there is no theatre class now.” I looked up to see a confused face. “I am here for this class. I am a ministry student now.”
My simple comment started a new path for me. It was a path I had no experience in. It was a path that felt odd, crooked, and unknown. The people who walked this path seemed to know exactly what they were doing, how to act, how to speak, and how to get from one part of the journey to another. Not so in my case. I am the son of a physician and a nurse. Being direct and straight to the point is the communication skill of the medical field. Being an ex-theatre major voicing opinions (even unpopular ones) were not welcomed on this new path. Many times I found myself sticking my foot, fist, and maybe a brick or two into my mouth. While others ran with leaps and bounds… scrapped knees, bruises, and stumbles marked my journey in ministry (and still does).
Quickly, I found myself on a path where the race was off, and I clearly was not welcomed. So I ran. But, I ran for the nearest exit.
Coming Back to God’s Calling
Psalm 139 has always been a special Psalm in my life (especially verses 13-16). Viewing yourself as being fearfully and wonderfully made with a purpose by God can be challenging for a normal person; let alone a person born with a disability. Believing God did not make a mistake by giving me Spina Bifida has been one of the hardest challenges to overcome. Growing up in a Christian school I was bullied, mocked, and even taken advantage of in physical ways. Seasons of depression marked my calendar like Fall and Winter. Yet, when the Holy Spirit breathed life into my dead soul, Jesus became more than a man in a story. He was the incarnate God who formed me and then became a man himself to die in my place to give me a new heart and a new purpose of living (John 1:14; II Corinthians 5:17).
A new and surprising purpose landed in my lap. Praying for a clear path of what to do with, Romans 10:14-15 hit me like a 2×4 to the head. “How beautiful are the feet of them that bring good news.” My feet are not beautiful to look at. They are crippled surrounded by plastic and metal leg braces. Yet, it was in this passage God spoke to be his beautiful feet.
And I found myself in the ministerial class. God sent a message, and I responded.
Yet, as the days, months, and years passed in formal ministerial training, I looked down and saw how dirty my feet were. My sin clung to them like heavy mud. It cracked my feet and sometimes infections oozed their way to the surface of my feet. My thought life and my speech did not belong. They created a dust cloud around me.
Others pointed out my dirty feet, and “encouraged” me to clean my feet up like their clean feet. Scrubbing and scrubbing I could get the dirt off, but the scars of the past criss-crossed my feet. When I tried to hide the past, it just kept coming to the surface. Others had no scars or had gotten the scars to go away. Mine lay bare like an embarrassing tattoo.
Therefore, I always walked around with tension of being in the ministry and pursuing that or running away; never wanting to be apart of it. I did not belong in this group. Being different with a physical disability was enough difference for me. I did not need my past and my struggles to be another witness to how different I am. People’s criticism and words showed me the exit.
I did not have beautiful feet. I had dirty feet. I did not belong there. After many years of feeling tension, it was not until Fall semester 0f 2019 that I was the closest to leaving formal ministry training and no longer pursuing it.
Dirty feet have no business in God’s ministry.
Yet, how wrong I was…
A Lineage of Dirty Feet
It is Christmas season and the majority of us read Matthew 1-2 and Luke 1-2. We read the story of the incarnate birth of Christ. Before gifts are unwrapped, we read the stories and thank God for the greatest gift of all: Jesus.
But, back up. We usually start the story at Matthew 1:18. Before we talk about Mary and Joseph, go read Matthew 1:1-17. Most genealogies are skipped over due to not knowing names. But, we know plenty of names in this list.
This is the royal line of Christ. This is the line that God used through the seed of the woman to bring the death of the serpent as prophesied in Genesis 3:15. But, don’t set up masterpieces of art when you see these names. Don’t set up your flannel graph. It is a royal lineage of dirty feet ending with the one who washed their feet in his own blood.
Abraham lied. Jacob had deceiver on his resume. Judah fathered children by his own daughter-in-law when he thought she was a prostitute. Rahab was not even an Israelite. She did not belong in this group. Ruth was a Moabite. She also did not fit into the group. David had Solomon through an adulterous relationship with another man’s wife (Bathsheba). Rehoboam split the kingdom. Manasseh is considered one of the worst kings in the Old Testament.
There is dirt on all these people. Christ did not come from a line of mosaic saints with halos. Scars and dirt covered his ancestors. Yet, God used them to be in the line of the Messiah: the perfect, sinless Son of God.
No Reason to Run
It is easy to look at our own failures, sins, struggles, pasts and then at God’s calling on our lives. The two are the complete opposite from each other. There is no way we could fulfill what God is calling us to do. So, we run. We may pretend everything is alright, but we suppress the tension of staying or running.
Is there a reason to run? Only when we look at everyone else. When our eyes are not fixed on God’s Word and God’s calling we stumble in comparing ourselves to others. There is no reason to run when we see God using anyone to accomplish his will. We let the image of others choke out our voice and stumble our feet while we become a fulfillment of Proverbs 29:25.
Yet, when we trust in the Lord we will be safe. It is not just trusting God in the bad times or when things are not going our way. It is trusting God is leading us down the right path, even when people laugh at us or tell us to quit. We trust when we do not belong. We continue walking by faith and not by sight (II Corinthians 5:7). Scrapped knees and stumbles will happen because of sin. Yet, it is the merciful hand of God pulling us back onto our feet that prove he is not done with us yet.
There is no reason to run when we feel we do not belong or because our feet are scarred. God does not call the qualified. He will qualified his called.
Dirty Feet and a Crown
In The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe, C.S. Lewis ends the story with the crowning of the four Pevensie children. Yet, it is a curious sight to see Edmund crown king and then called “Edmund the Just.” He was the one who betrayed the others to the White Witch. He was the one for whom Aslan laid down his life. Edmund was a traitor. Yet, he is crowned king by Aslan. Edmund had dirty feet. However, Aslan knew who he was crowning. He gave Edmund a new life and purpose to live. This new life and purpose as a king in Narnia may have felt undeserved and overwhelming, but it was Aslan who crowned him.
And it is God who calls you. He calls you to pick up your crown of being an ambassador for Christ and to wear it with humble pride. It is a heavy weight to bear. But, it is God who gives you this title and this purpose. You cannot run away from who God made you or from what God has called you to do. Running only leads to heartache and stress.
My struggles may make me stick out as not fitting the “mold” some have created. But, can’t God still use me? Can’t I still follow this path? Being called into ministry does not mean I do not struggle. Instead, I admit I struggle. To some this would be considered a “position-kill,” but it is not in our perfections we glorify in. Instead, we glorify in our imperfections, because our perfection come from Christ.
So it is time to stop running. Accept the fact that God has called you. He knows your past, your struggles, and your faults. He still called you. Now, pick up your crown, and live like the king or queen God through Christ sealed by the Holy Spirit has called you to be.
“Christ has taken our nature into heaven
to represent us, and has left us on earth
with his nature to represent him.”
– John Newton